Oh? Hi there! Let me quickly introduce myself. I’m the new pimp in town.

And I’m also horribly incompetent. I can’t keep up with the competition out there. While journalists manage to dig up ground-breaking stories, I refine wine and serve it in a new bottle.

If you remember, a month back, a Kashmiri ‘terrorist’ - known for murdering Kashmiri pundits - was released. I sniffed for a bit. Indeed, it seemed a great story. So what I did, was promptly set up a panel of ‘experts’. I split the screen into quadrants and got them to dial in. Two of them had honest opinions, but I rarely allowed them to speak. I gave more time to the stupid diplomatic tape-recorded opinion of a bureaucrat, and once he hung up, I twisted the words, fabricated a baseless opinion and sold it on national television.

That is how powerful I am. Today, of course, I’m having a field day.

Mahendra Singh Dhoni’s trimmed those locks. Goodness me, isn’t that the next-big story, just a notch short of the aforementioned cricketer shaving the pubic hair (and then perhaps calling for a press conference to publicize it)? Indeed, this must be the year’s top story. So I sent out my reporters to Ranchi to cover the ‘homecoming’. I played the famous Musharaff clip about a million times, the one in which he goes ‘If you want my opinion, I think this look suits you, you look good in this’.

Then, I splash a huge headline with an orange backdrop: ‘Dhoni goes for a cool, new look’

I then send my reporters to interview the city on what they think about it. Does it affect cricket? Perhaps, sprinkle in a doctor’s report that links keratin to the bottom-hand muscle strength. Great, I’ve managed to fill in enough for today’s news.

But is that spicy enough? Nope. Too bland. Time to add a pinch of salt.

So I rope in the Deepika Padukone twist, and I make sure my reporters go ‘Dhoni’ and then ‘Deepika Padu-koni’ so that it rhymes. Creates an impact, you see? I then revert to my best technical capability - splitting the scene into two. On the left is Deepika, dressed in a to-die-for evening gown (atleast, it’s to-die-for now that I’ve mentioned it), and on the right is Dhoni pulling an offie for six.

I then ask my reporters to find out from the people of Ranchi - how would they welcome Deepika anyway? Will she fit into the household? I get public opinion, and share. Because I am all about awareness. My objective is to bring the news to the people. I want my viewers to know exactly what is going on in the nation. This is why I exist. This is what makes me sleep at night.

I am such a media pimp, making my celebrities look like publicity-grabbing whores.

I am Headlines Today.

Don’t miss tomorrow’s exclusive interview with the barber who trimmed the Dhoni locks. Live and exclusive on HT.