Remember this Koffee with Karan clip, where Farah Khan suggests that film critics are retards, albeit in a lighter vein? And then, the same critics went all over the internet blasting her?

Personally, if she thinks that Om Shamti Om will improve things with the critics, she’s rather overoptimistic. Some flicks are destined to be bad. OSO, however, had potential to be a good, run-of-the-mill entertainer - the paisa vasool types that we all enjoy, a mix of masala and masti. And for the first half, it did, before deteriorating to forgetville in the second.

Yes Ms. Khan, thou hast committed a crime in ruining what could’ve been a good flick.

1970s - Om Prakash (SRK) is a struggling junior artist, in love with Shantipriya (Deepika Padukone) who is, to say the least, a star. She hogs the billboards, the premiers, everything. Om is, undeniably, crazy about her. As if talking to her poster wasn’t enough, Ms. Khan lets us in on the ‘finer’ details - junior-artist saves Shanti from a fire, mouths gibberish while she talks to him, and even does the ‘what-makes-her-happy-makes-me-happy’ act, because hey - Shanti is married to producer Mukesh Mehra (Arjun Rampal).

And to make things worse, she’s pregnant. When she goes, “I’m pregnant”, Mukesh goes, “What? How? When?”, and we start to wonder - did he, or did he not? First signs of a poorly written dialogue, incidentally, leaving it to SRK to carry it off.

Oh, the spoofs are awesome throughout. Deepika can dance, and she’s got eyes that captivate with a capital C. Too bad for her, and her Shanti, that Mukesh doesn’t think much of them anymore. The kid is a disaster for the actress, so - while saner men might have discussed an abortion - Mehra has nothing to do with such logic. Homicide, right away, as he burns a whole set and Shanti in it.

Yes, you guessed right, Om is at the scene, and tries to save her, but the Mehra henchmen arrive and ‘take care’ of the guy. Oui, he dies too.

And, in a ‘brilliant masterstroke’ of coincidence, the audience is slapped baited fed stuffed with the idea that SRK dies at the same hospital where another child is born. Re-birth. Apparently, in Farah Khan’s Bible, re-birth needs some kind of physical proximity, the rest of the logic be damned.

So, why am I bitching about logic in this masala flick? Because, really, if it stuck to being a masala-flick, I’d enjoy it.

Instead, it crumbles downhill as it gets more serious and ‘intense’. The dialogues get more predictable, and as SRK realizes his past, the audience realize their mistake. OSO gets a tad boring, and if it wasn’t for SRK and his mere screen presence, it certainly would’ve sunk.

By the way, there are goofs. And rip-offs. To begin with, security at the sets, back in the 70s, didn’t have the grey uniform with red straps. Apparently, in Farah Khan’s 1970, almost everyone have sideburns and checkered trousers. Also, an explosion sends SRK flying a hundred meters out of a building, but he lands as safe as a cat, and gets up immediately with hardly a limp. Perhaps he’s a superhero after all.

Taran Adarsh, in one of his shit reviews, suggested that a movie should enlighten us. Well, OSO does enlighten us to one fact. Deepika Padukone’s make up isn’t affected one bit by a surrounding fire. Not at all. There’s fire all around her, she’s running and screaming, but not a drop of sweat, and the make-up - intact. Worthy of an Oscar ramp-walk. Damn.

Now, the lines. Remember ‘The Alchemist?’. Remember Paulo Coelho? And this famous quote, ‘When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you get it?’. Right, so the OSO dialogue-writer apparently loves this quote. Takes it, translates it - literally - and sprinkles it all around the script.

And there are a set of scenes in OSO where the reborn Om enacts the whole Shantipriya murder scene to remind Mehra of the crime. Hamlet, anyone?

While on the subject of rebirth, the ‘realization’ bit was very Karan-Arjunish, I’ll tell you that. Worse, SRK’s shift from Om-2K to Om-70 was rather abrupt. Like, he suddenly realized that’s he’s someone else - and started to believe it from the word go. And hey, they’ve also ripped this scene.

You see, I can go on with the flaws, but I’ll stop right here.

Credit ought to be given where it’s due, and I’ll be honest, sitting through the songs, this was vintage Farah at her choreographic best. The spoofs, like I suggested earlier, were awesome, and while the Manoj Kumar bit might have seemed overdone, as long as it contributes to good humor, we’d buy it.

Double credit to SRK for making this believable, and for saving this near-disastrous ship from sinking. In Shreyas Talpade and Kirron Kher, King Khan finds an able support cast, and they not only make this ride bearable, but their natural expressions leave little to criticize. Arjun Rampal treads into territory I’d safely call ‘overacting’, but hey, he’s always been more hunk than actor.

Right, and the dame. Fine, so Deepika Padukone is hot. H-O-T. I agree. She can dance, the babe can swing her lovely hips, I second and third that. And … er … act? Perhaps, she can. She’s not really the next-best-thing in Bollywood - no - but her expressions are fine, she’s got a killer-bod and a killer-smile, and I’m even willing to forgive the fact that this chick who lives down the street steals my nickname. Everyone know the real Sandy anyway.

We digress - just like the movie did, from humor to intensity, where it shuts itself down. Nice try folks, but skip the second half and you might just like this.

And Farah, maybe I’m half a critic. That makes me half-retarded. Your flick was half-fun, wasn’t it? So, would you be half-kind and half-honest, and sweetheart, give me a half-refund dammit?

And maybe I’ll just half-sue you for half the crap. Next time you publicize your flick so much, make sure it’s got meat. Half-cooked ain’t edible.