2S
Techie. Writer. Photographer.
Archive for November, 2007
November 23, 2007 at 6:16 am · Filed under personal
<bitching mode='blog'>
It’s official, I am a victim of noise-induced necrosis. But not just ‘any’ noise, nope. I’ve nailed down the issue.
Cellfuckinphones.
Right, so Bangalore is the diverse mix of techies from around Asia, and what not. A great blend of race, religion and culture. Well, big shit, because this means you end up listening to all kinds of ring tones throughout the day. Starting from our very own desi version of the IT industry’s conquerors - the Andhraites - who love to flaunt their telugu capabilities even on the ring tones. We also have the pro-Kannada heroes who can’t have enough of Sonu Nigam crooning Anisuthide Yaako, the likes of which are responsible for Mungaaru Male still being screened at PVR. Interestingly, there are a few wanna-bes - maybe northies - who have this ringtone too, but that’s probably because they’re just lovesick and crazy about some random Bangalore chick.
And then, the Bollywood freaks, which includes this blogger as well. From Gabbar dialogues to Johhny Gaddar, to even Punjabi Bhangra.
Lastly, the lazy jackasses who are oh-so-content with the loudest, most absurd out-of-the-box Nokia ringtone. I mean, how original can you get?
Not that I’m a prophet of workplace etiquette, but the firm I am currently placed at is rather stringent in their policy, to say the least. It’s surprising that some of the staff don’t recognize this and continue to inflict mental agony upon the others.
But this - to some extent - is bearable. What makes me tear my hair apart is the volume. Honestly, you would think some of these guys are actually going deaf, with the kind of volume levels they maintain. Another notch up on the ring tone and the PA system would hang its head in shame. Perhaps they extract pleasure in letting the office city country know that they just received a call.
And there are some guys who literally scream on the phone. In their mother-tongue, which is fine, culture and all that. But the moment you start listening to a dialect, like telephone-tamil - the bullet-like supersonic linguistic capabilities which yours truly doesn’t possess in spite of being an Iyengar, or atleast, a halfengar - you want to stuff cotton into your ears. Telephone-tamil, for the record, is what you hear when you see that random south Indian bloke speaking as if he’s running out of talktime, and screaming as if the phone itself isn’t functional and the guy he’s talking to is about a few hundred meters away.
Like Ranjikanth just turned up as Raikonnen’s navigator or something, and rolled down the window, and started speaking. It’s totally Tam, it’s ridiculously loud, it’s bloody stylish and it’s superfreaking fast.
Now, combine those facts with the immense number of prank telemarketing calls that an average techie receives in a day.
</bitching>
Luckily, we have iPods. Thank God for small mercies.
- - -
O.T.P.S. I’m all for North Indian infiltration and diversity, no big deal, you guys brought Mast Kalandar to town - thanks - but will you guys stop eating out of my plate and atleast leave the Bangalore chicks to me? And yes, although Koramangala is like miles away, I still want to consider it Bangalore, for the women atleast, so hey, that includes the ladies in that bit of the country too.
Go ahead, you guys can infiltrate my city - you’re most welcome.
But, with your own women.
November 22, 2007 at 12:54 am · Filed under bangalore, personal
It was one of those nights where I didn’t feel like being at home. Instead, on the way back, I fabricated an insensitive ‘goodnight’ text and sent it to her, before driving to definitely my most favorite bit of Bangalore.
Cubbon park, for me, holds many special memories. Some bitter, some sweet, some bitter-sweet, and some … er … sexual. But I usually go there late Sunday nights, or on public holidays, just to see Vidhana Soudha illuminated, spectacularly symbolizing the might of the government. I have a special sentimental attachment to the building, and in particular, to the lighting.
And I was in for a surprise when I drove to Vidhana Soudha last night.
First off, why did I go there? Solitude is my best buddy - has always been - and I love to sit across the building, looking at it, and the surroundings, and contemplating my past, present and future. Perhaps it’s a personal thing, but that stretch of the city - for me - is Bangalore. Wide roads, decent traffic, greenery all around, no pungent stink of urine in the air. A very early 90s ‘Karnataka-ish’ feel. Something I might look back, and say, ‘home’.
And you probably know, that for someone who drives through a snail-paced M.G. Road, an erratic Airport Road, a hostile Ring Road and a jam-packed Koramangala - such a sight is rare.
So here I am, the Corsa’s parked on the main road, the parking lights are flickering, Richard Marx has spent about a minute and a half crooning ‘Right Here Waiting For You’, when the lights go on. And this wasn’t a half-lit Sunday midnight special. Nope. This was the full lighting. Every single one out there.
It lasted for less than a minute. Bliss, albeit momentarily.
I might add, I was thinking about myself, another unrecognizable blip on the radar of this state. I’m just another soul amongst the millions in this state. A state that was first orphaned, and now bastardized, without a stable leadership. Devegowda, who swims in a whirlpool of betrayal and yet manages to be the cause of it, has simply ruined any hopes of a stable government in this state. While his ’secular’ initiatives make sense, he’s well on his way to converting Karnataka into a monarchy, where only a Gowda can rule.
It’s horrible, because even when an able leader like M P Prakash attempts to form a government, with the support of the Congress (who is certainly more secular than the BJP), they’re wary of forming a coalition with the likes of HD.
I then tried to recall everything I saw through the day. Beggars on the streets? Rickshaw guys complaining? A cow wagging it’s rear on the center lane of the ring road? An old woman with as many wrinkles as her years, sweeping the streets? A modified Maruti Zen speeding past a signal that was counting down? A deadlock traffic situation between a Qualis and her cousin Innova? The slums, where power and water are as frequent as Halley’s comet?
Now, in the distance, I looked at Vidhana Soudha again. As strong as a fortress it stood, guarding both filth and gems. It was now plunged into darkness. Like the state itself. Like its people. Like … moi.
I then remembered what is inscribed on the entrance of the fortress. “Government Work is God’s Work.”
Well, there’s no government anymore. And the way things are going for my people, I’m wondering if there’s no God anymore either.
And if He is around, He’s left this state ages ago.
November 21, 2007 at 1:55 am · Filed under politics
The voters ought to be stumped.
On one hand, you have the likes of JD(S), people who have taken betrayal to another level. True, HD Kumarasamy showed promise when he first got to office, but subsequent events - especially in the last three months - have ruined the little good work done by his government.
On the other, is Yediyurrappa. Now, these days, when you think of the BJP leader, one word comes to mind - pity. But honestly, is a Yediyurrappa-BJP government going to help the state? For one, BSY has little or no vision to compliment his passion. And the BJP are far from secular, which explains the Hindtuva wave running in Karnataka post-formation. Umm, pray tell me, what does a ‘volunteer’ organization like the Sangh have to do with a government forming in a secular nation, in alliance with a secular party? Apparently, these issues irked Gowda, and let’s he honest, as far as secular values are concerned, it pains me to say this, but Devegowda has a point.
Does it mean you bring down the government? No. Well, not unless you’re a power-grabbing slut, which is exactly what HD is.
The BJP cited Gujarat as an example for Karnataka, and Narendra Modi’s presence only worsened the situation for the ‘coalition’, although I must agree with BSY on that account - the Gujarat mention was obviously made in the context of development and not communalism. It surprises me that people thought otherwise. I doubt if Yediyurrappa, yet to break his CM virginity, has the balls to suggest a Hindu initiative in Karnataka on similar lines to that of Gujarat. Highly unlikely.
And finally, the dormant Congress. Within the JD(S), senior leaders - the likes of MP Prakash, a man whom I respect - has shown inclination to tie up with the Congress. The JD(S) have shown an obvious intent to form a coalition with the Congress now, understandably, because if we head towards elections, you can be rest assured that there would be serious backlash from the voters.
The JD(S)-BJP coalition was never destined to work anyway. One party is slyly secular, the other is honestly communal. The Congress, in the past, has failed. Given these facts, who the heck to we vote for?
Irrespective of what happens in the state, from the way events are unfolding now, one thing is absolutely certain: as long as Devegowda breathes, Karnataka will never have a stable government. It shocks me to suggest this, and I might be hitting the depths of helplessness here, but there is no one, I repeat, no one in the state who can keep the Supremo quiet.
It disappoints me further to record that we, the voters, are now simply helpless. Catch-22. Of what use is a democracy when the people are left powerless?
It’s only appropriate that we pick the lesser of the two evils. And it sucks that we resort to such a choice for our leaders.
November 20, 2007 at 1:56 am · Filed under bollywood
Remember this Koffee with Karan clip, where Farah Khan suggests that film critics are retards, albeit in a lighter vein? And then, the same critics went all over the internet blasting her?
Personally, if she thinks that Om Shamti Om will improve things with the critics, she’s rather overoptimistic. Some flicks are destined to be bad. OSO, however, had potential to be a good, run-of-the-mill entertainer - the paisa vasool types that we all enjoy, a mix of masala and masti. And for the first half, it did, before deteriorating to forgetville in the second.
Yes Ms. Khan, thou hast committed a crime in ruining what could’ve been a good flick.
1970s - Om Prakash (SRK) is a struggling junior artist, in love with Shantipriya (Deepika Padukone) who is, to say the least, a star. She hogs the billboards, the premiers, everything. Om is, undeniably, crazy about her. As if talking to her poster wasn’t enough, Ms. Khan lets us in on the ‘finer’ details - junior-artist saves Shanti from a fire, mouths gibberish while she talks to him, and even does the ‘what-makes-her-happy-makes-me-happy’ act, because hey - Shanti is married to producer Mukesh Mehra (Arjun Rampal).
And to make things worse, she’s pregnant. When she goes, “I’m pregnant”, Mukesh goes, “What? How? When?”, and we start to wonder - did he, or did he not? First signs of a poorly written dialogue, incidentally, leaving it to SRK to carry it off.
Oh, the spoofs are awesome throughout. Deepika can dance, and she’s got eyes that captivate with a capital C. Too bad for her, and her Shanti, that Mukesh doesn’t think much of them anymore. The kid is a disaster for the actress, so - while saner men might have discussed an abortion - Mehra has nothing to do with such logic. Homicide, right away, as he burns a whole set and Shanti in it.
Yes, you guessed right, Om is at the scene, and tries to save her, but the Mehra henchmen arrive and ‘take care’ of the guy. Oui, he dies too.
And, in a ‘brilliant masterstroke’ of coincidence, the audience is slapped baited fed stuffed with the idea that SRK dies at the same hospital where another child is born. Re-birth. Apparently, in Farah Khan’s Bible, re-birth needs some kind of physical proximity, the rest of the logic be damned.
So, why am I bitching about logic in this masala flick? Because, really, if it stuck to being a masala-flick, I’d enjoy it.
Instead, it crumbles downhill as it gets more serious and ‘intense’. The dialogues get more predictable, and as SRK realizes his past, the audience realize their mistake. OSO gets a tad boring, and if it wasn’t for SRK and his mere screen presence, it certainly would’ve sunk.
By the way, there are goofs. And rip-offs. To begin with, security at the sets, back in the 70s, didn’t have the grey uniform with red straps. Apparently, in Farah Khan’s 1970, almost everyone have sideburns and checkered trousers. Also, an explosion sends SRK flying a hundred meters out of a building, but he lands as safe as a cat, and gets up immediately with hardly a limp. Perhaps he’s a superhero after all.
Taran Adarsh, in one of his shit reviews, suggested that a movie should enlighten us. Well, OSO does enlighten us to one fact. Deepika Padukone’s make up isn’t affected one bit by a surrounding fire. Not at all. There’s fire all around her, she’s running and screaming, but not a drop of sweat, and the make-up - intact. Worthy of an Oscar ramp-walk. Damn.
Now, the lines. Remember ‘The Alchemist?’. Remember Paulo Coelho? And this famous quote, ‘When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you get it?’. Right, so the OSO dialogue-writer apparently loves this quote. Takes it, translates it - literally - and sprinkles it all around the script.
And there are a set of scenes in OSO where the reborn Om enacts the whole Shantipriya murder scene to remind Mehra of the crime. Hamlet, anyone?
While on the subject of rebirth, the ‘realization’ bit was very Karan-Arjunish, I’ll tell you that. Worse, SRK’s shift from Om-2K to Om-70 was rather abrupt. Like, he suddenly realized that’s he’s someone else - and started to believe it from the word go. And hey, they’ve also ripped this scene.
You see, I can go on with the flaws, but I’ll stop right here.
Credit ought to be given where it’s due, and I’ll be honest, sitting through the songs, this was vintage Farah at her choreographic best. The spoofs, like I suggested earlier, were awesome, and while the Manoj Kumar bit might have seemed overdone, as long as it contributes to good humor, we’d buy it.
Double credit to SRK for making this believable, and for saving this near-disastrous ship from sinking. In Shreyas Talpade and Kirron Kher, King Khan finds an able support cast, and they not only make this ride bearable, but their natural expressions leave little to criticize. Arjun Rampal treads into territory I’d safely call ‘overacting’, but hey, he’s always been more hunk than actor.
Right, and the dame. Fine, so Deepika Padukone is hot. H-O-T. I agree. She can dance, the babe can swing her lovely hips, I second and third that. And … er … act? Perhaps, she can. She’s not really the next-best-thing in Bollywood - no - but her expressions are fine, she’s got a killer-bod and a killer-smile, and I’m even willing to forgive the fact that this chick who lives down the street steals my nickname. Everyone know the real Sandy anyway.
We digress - just like the movie did, from humor to intensity, where it shuts itself down. Nice try folks, but skip the second half and you might just like this.
And Farah, maybe I’m half a critic. That makes me half-retarded. Your flick was half-fun, wasn’t it? So, would you be half-kind and half-honest, and sweetheart, give me a half-refund dammit?
And maybe I’ll just half-sue you for half the crap. Next time you publicize your flick so much, make sure it’s got meat. Half-cooked ain’t edible.
November 16, 2007 at 11:48 am · Filed under bangalore
There are two kinds of people who live in Bangalore. Those who complain about the traffic conditions, and those who don’t drive.
Right, so now that we’re all on the same page - that a driver-in-Bangalore = bitcher-in-Bangalore, a quick reality check. Peak traffic isn’t the most worrying bit about the city. Okay, so there’s pollution, and that leads to half of Bangalore’s kids suffering from Asthma. But that, honestly, isn’t the big worry.
For those of you - like me - who end up spending a lot of time driving at night (and in true Bangalorean sense, when I say night, I mean well past 11pm when the traffic lights are switched off and the girls are available for their second date of the evening), you’d find out it’s a nightmare. At first glance, it seems all too easy - a relief, perhaps - empty roads - the streets almost vacated for you to drive about smoothly.
But with BPOs and boozers only increasing in Bangalore, there’s a serious problem here. Firstly, the traffic lights, like I mentioned earlier, are switched off at 11pm. That leaves us in charge, and the traffic situation is quietly entrusted to the ‘public’, left to the intelligence (or stupidty) of us motorists. Let’s admit it, most of us are stupidly reckless, and worse, restless.
The average driver in Bangalore, upon sighting a pedestrian crossing, wouldn’t brake and hit the hazard and let the bloke pass. No. Instead, he’ll hit the accelerator so that he reaches the zebra-crossing before the pedestrian has, because this city now works at the speed of light. Time isn’t just money - it’s a fortune.
Morality
So - first things first - you do NOT switch off the traffic lights so early. Nope. You just don’t. And if you do, you make sure there are cops around to handle the situation.
Some might argue that the critical signals - like the ones at M. G. Road - work throughout the night. Well, yes, they do, but what’s the point? How many of us conform to it anyway? It doesn’t help that you look like a jackass waiting for the 19-18-17 … countdown to complete, as someone from behind you does a U-Turn from around you and speeds away. In hindsight, he ends up using lesser fuel, saving more money, saving more time. And what do you get by adhering to a rule? Zilch.
So does that mean you break the rules? No. Give me a jackass any day, because - for real - the more we start following the rules, the better the situation becomes.
Mortality
It sometimes disgusts me when people scream about the traffic situation in the city, especially at peak-hours or during the afternoon period. Tell you what - if there’s an ‘accident’ there, all you end up with is a little scratch or a dent on your vehicle. Which can be fixed. Which amounts to little.
But make a mistake at night and you deal with fatality.
The number of deaths in Bangalore have shot up, especially around the Hosur Road area, which falls under the Madiwala Traffic Police limits. This particular traffic police station has recorded the maximum number of deaths, as Old Madras Road, Outer Ring Road and the highways follow suit. Fewer accidents are recorded around Central Bangalore - in fact, the Cubbon Park Traffic Police Station recorded just one death last year - although Cubbon Park, at night, is famous for reasons besides driving.
It’s interesting to note that most of the areas affected include IT strongholds - including the Electronic City, Sarjapur Road and the EGL Business Park. None of these ring-roads or highways have decent provisions for pedestrians to cross either, which only increases the risk.
With IT only growing in the city, it’s about time people realise the implications of bringing in more techies, and worsening the situation. For those of you who drive at night it really makes sense to ensure some of the following and avoid accidents while driving at night:
Do NOT ignore the seat-belt if you’re driving over 40kph. Nothing could be worse than having to brake behind the all-new-SX4 fitted in with state-of-the-art extra-sensitive ABS and find your head stuck in the steering wheel, and find your girlfriend’s head through the windscreen.
Do NOT drive if you’re drunk, depressed, or doped. You’re better off spending the night on the porch of the girl who ditched you rather than inflicting genocide on the streets. And yes, three Vodkas and a Swift count as drunken driving, make no mistake.
Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT break a one-way rule. I have seen the aftermath of one such mistake, a truck crashing head-on into an Esteem who decided to make the one-way a two-way, and ended up taking a one-way ticket to heaven. Or hell. The Esteem was crushed to half its width. Unrecognizable.
Tap the brakes lightly while approaching a U-Turn even if you’re on one of the ring-roads or the highway. Call-center vehicles - Sumos, especially - have this awkward habit of forcing their metalhood through a bit of the orifice, just to ensure that the car speeding in the distance brakes and gives him way. At midnight, you’re priority is to reach home safely and not to challenge an erratic-Hamilton-like-cab-driver.
Do NOT make love while the vehicle is in motion, for crying out loud. It’s uncomfortable, unhealthy, and hazardous to the others, screwing things up in more ways than one.
Do NOT use the cellphone while you are at a high speed. Honestly, you just dropped her off a few minutes ago, and the ‘I-miss-you-sweetheart’ SMS can wait till your car hits a signal or home.
Always remember - you are a responsible citizen driving from point A to point B. You’re not Kimi in Sao Paolo. Yes, it’s fun to speed - and go ahead, enjoy yourself - but it ought to be done in moderation. We care little if you kill yourself while speeding. We just don’t want you to kill the others.
And yes - yours truly has taken a silent vow that he wll never break a traffic rule again unless it’s a life-critical emergency (which, incidentally, includes missing the Powerplays of a cricket match). On a serious note, I won’t break traffic rules ever. No jumping signals, no one-way violations. This city gives me a warm welcome and a load of opportunity everytime I visit it.
I won’t participate in ruining it. And I hope you don’t either.
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