October 25, 2007 at 2:23 am · Filed under telly
Oh? Hi there! Let me quickly introduce myself. I’m the new pimp in town.
And I’m also horribly incompetent. I can’t keep up with the competition out there. While journalists manage to dig up ground-breaking stories, I refine wine and serve it in a new bottle.
If you remember, a month back, a Kashmiri ‘terrorist’ - known for murdering Kashmiri pundits - was released. I sniffed for a bit. Indeed, it seemed a great story. So what I did, was promptly set up a panel of ‘experts’. I split the screen into quadrants and got them to dial in. Two of them had honest opinions, but I rarely allowed them to speak. I gave more time to the stupid diplomatic tape-recorded opinion of a bureaucrat, and once he hung up, I twisted the words, fabricated a baseless opinion and sold it on national television.
That is how powerful I am. Today, of course, I’m having a field day.
Mahendra Singh Dhoni’s trimmed those locks. Goodness me, isn’t that the next-big story, just a notch short of the aforementioned cricketer shaving the pubic hair (and then perhaps calling for a press conference to publicize it)? Indeed, this must be the year’s top story. So I sent out my reporters to Ranchi to cover the ‘homecoming’. I played the famous Musharaff clip about a million times, the one in which he goes ‘If you want my opinion, I think this look suits you, you look good in this’.
Then, I splash a huge headline with an orange backdrop: ‘Dhoni goes for a cool, new look’
I then send my reporters to interview the city on what they think about it. Does it affect cricket? Perhaps, sprinkle in a doctor’s report that links keratin to the bottom-hand muscle strength. Great, I’ve managed to fill in enough for today’s news.
But is that spicy enough? Nope. Too bland. Time to add a pinch of salt.
So I rope in the Deepika Padukone twist, and I make sure my reporters go ‘Dhoni’ and then ‘Deepika Padu-koni’ so that it rhymes. Creates an impact, you see? I then revert to my best technical capability - splitting the scene into two. On the left is Deepika, dressed in a to-die-for evening gown (atleast, it’s to-die-for now that I’ve mentioned it), and on the right is Dhoni pulling an offie for six.
I then ask my reporters to find out from the people of Ranchi - how would they welcome Deepika anyway? Will she fit into the household? I get public opinion, and share. Because I am all about awareness. My objective is to bring the news to the people. I want my viewers to know exactly what is going on in the nation. This is why I exist. This is what makes me sleep at night.
I am such a media pimp, making my celebrities look like publicity-grabbing whores.
I am Headlines Today.
Don’t miss tomorrow’s exclusive interview with the barber who trimmed the Dhoni locks. Live and exclusive on HT.
October 15, 2007 at 11:58 pm · Filed under bangalore, bollywood, movies, telly
Just so many flicks, so many reviews and so much to write about. Which is why, I now bring you Showbiz Sporadics - rantings, rumblings and other randomness from the world of Cinema and Telly.
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Laaga Chunari hasn’t exactly opened to good reviews - but it’s a Pradeep Sarkar flick, so I’ll check it out anyway, although I might steer clear of Bhool Bhulaiyya - or what they also call Bhoolshit Bulaiyya. Priyadarshan needs to get new wine.
Looking at the horrible flicks lined up, I might be tempted to catch the Loins of Punjab Presents yet again. Atleast I get to see Shabana Azmi addressed as a you-know-what. And, hey, the ass-wiping too. If you’re lost, it’s probably ‘coz you haven’t seen it yet, so yes - you deserve to be lost - in which case, go watch!
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This weekend, however, was all about the SaReGaMaPa Finals. Aneek Dhar won - congrats chief, you’re technically tops amongst the trio although I really thought Raja was the better singer. Amanat Ali has it all to connect to his audience, and when he sings with the heart, that’s a killer. In the end, it didn’t really matter who won, although many have used Aneek’s victory to spark of a racist issue.
Apparently, a ‘Hindu’ won over two ‘Muslims’, and that makes it uncomfortable. And I thought we had a singing competition here. It’s just sickening. Folks are out there making their names with the ’singing’, I repeat, ’singing’. Doesn’t matter if you’re a poor Poonam, a Muslim Amanat or a NRI Dave. Himesh can rant all he wants about Aneek being the youngest of the finalists, but we ought to pick the best one there, period.
No racism, no religion. Just music. Easy, no?
Which reminds me, folks, does it help that Akshay Kumar went on stage and switched between ‘Eid Mubarak’ and ‘Hare Krishna Hare Ram’? That, if any, is some indication of what we all know at Mutiny as ’secular fundamentalism’. Oh, and Akshay Kumar said ‘thank you’ thrice, and even offered to clap for them. He did look like he was a tad sloshed. Until Vidya Balan walked onto the stage. Women like that can knock sanity into men and lose it at will, especially when clad in a black sari. We digress, but you get the idea. And we were just dying to know about Bhool Bulaiyya, weren’t we? As Akshay says, ek sachi kahani hai jo kayyrala mein hui thi. It’s Kerala, sloshy. Vidya Balan dropped in a word before the teasers - please do watch it, bahut pyaar se banaye hai hum ne.
No kidding?
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Did Aditya Narayan actually render ‘This Love’, or was he lip-syncing? My hunch is that it’s the former, and if that’s really true, that’s one hell of a performance! Your dad really rocks kid, but if you go on singing like that, whew! No wonder you seem to have Mauli Dave all over you, and speaking of the girl, did she really have to walk in a little-under-nothing - and shake that booty - to kick-ass with Mayya Mayya? Er, oops, I forgot - it wasn’t a singing competition after all. My bad.
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The only thing that Rakhi Sawant needs to get into Hollywood seems to be English. For her sake, for Nach Baliye’s sake, and for a whole country’s sake, will someone please teach her the language? Heck, Rakhi, just drop in home yaar and I’ll educate you on the few ABCs I know. I really do want to see you in Hollywood.
That’ll hopefully ensure we see a lot lesser of you back home. Read the rest of this entry »
